Wednesday, July 14, 2004

The Hair Guy

I can't lose my hair. Before we get into that though, some background. I don't normally consider myself a very vain person, or someone at all "up" on the latest styles and fashions - hell, throughout high school, kicked white socks under my Tevas and it didn't bother me a bit. Until I met JZ I was an uberdork with uberbad style. Now, I'm an uberdork with uberbad style in a JCrew shirt. The point is, however, that none of that matters. Not to me, because I, am a hair guy.

Mine is blond. It used to be white, like, really white, now, some say it's getting to be "dirty" blonde, or even "light brown". Well, that's crap. It's blonde - beautiful, shiny, brilliant, blonde. If you try to knock it, it clearly means you are jealous and for that, I'm sorry. I'd let you into the club if I could, but then we're back to the problem of letting everyone in and losing the club's coolness, and we just can't have that. So for now, I will be blonde, and if you aren't, you will just be sorry.

The thing is, I have a problem. I mean, sure, I sound confident, perhaps even cocky, up front, but behind this beautiful head of hair is a bald head - and that's just not cool. What if I lose it? I think it's receding. I can't tell for sure. But on the right, just above my right eye, it seems to go way back. Did it go back that far before? Then, I got sunburned on the top of my head the other day, though, I think, that always happens if your hair is short, even when I was a kid. Didn't it? I've been over the whole father's mother or mother's father or monkey's uncle thing before, and they're all bald, so that doesn't seem to bode well. But, do blondes go bald? No, they don't. Do they? When was the last time you saw a blonde bald guy. How can you tell, if he's bald? Shit. Fuck. i don't want to go bald. I don't want to be kicked out of the club, I don't want my shiny white head to be naked for all to see. I want my hair. I need my hair. But what can I do? Rogaine? Surgery? Do I even have a problem? Maybe everything is ok. Maybe my hair will stay, and with it, my swerve, and with that, my confidence, and with that, my success, and with that, my life. But what if the hair goes? No! Won't all the rest go with it? Will it? Yes. It can't. it might. It won't. It will. No. I can't lose my hair. I will just have to keep my hair. Please hair, please?

There's more. It's not all about me. Well, actually, it is all about me, but it's not always about MY hair. It's also about other people's hair - girls' hair. There are two kinds of hair for girls: long hair, and bad hair. Now, I don't mean really long, like those sketch people who never cut it and trip over their own hair, that's nothing but gross. I mean long as opposed to short. Shoulders is fine. Anything less - not fine. I'm not saying women can't cut their hair short. I'm just saying women can't cut their hair short and still be beautiful. With an incredible body, they might be able to eek out "hot", and maybe, with the right look, maybe even squeeze out a weak "cute", but beauty is the whole package, and it takes long hair to get it. JZ's got it, and it's good. Natalie Portman used to have it, and it was good. Now she looks like a prepubescent boy, and is off the list. Short hair, short relationship - it's over. Simple as that. You don't think that's fair? Not my problem; go whine about it over a bucket of ice cream with your girlfriends.

Hair is key. Someone ran across a girl who must have been an old secret admirer. She knew everything about me; I've never heard of her. A year younger, a grade behind. "She's cute, and nice," they said. "Hair?" I said. "Short," they said. Bitch, please. Look, I'm not trying to be some sort of chauvinist, judging girls based on their bodies - in many ways, that's just plain wrong. Hell, I'm not even judging girls on hair color; I know not everyone can have my hair, and that's fine. In fact, I'd like to refrain from passing judgment on anything that is out of someone's control, because that's just not fair. Hair, however, IS within someone's control, and don't tell me your hair is short because you have a naturally low metabolism. I'm not going to think you are a bad person, or think less of you, or anything like that - you just won't be a hottie. If you are ok with that, then so am I.

I realize, at the end of this post, which has become a bit more judgmental and course than I had at first hoped, that you may try to point out that wouldn't it be perfectly fair, by my own rules, to judge me and "downgrade" me if I were to say, lose my hair? Well, yes. It would be perfectly fair, and seeing as my hair is all I've got, I'd be downgraded to the gutter. The Sultan of Suck, the Emperor of Ugly. Thus, as you must surely realize, the point remains, I can't lose my hair.

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