Thursday, April 07, 2005

Losing things

I just wrote an irate post. Not just irate, livid. Not just livid, mad. Where is it? Lost. Lost in gobbledygargon of the internet, lost into a moment in time that already happened but wont happen again. Lost like hat, or even a sandwich, that falls overboard from a boat that doesn’t stop moving, and though its back there all the time, still floating and getting soggy and maybe getting eaten, you can no sooner turn around and get it than you can go back and not drop it in the first place.

I’m not livid anymore. The moment passed—like I said. For a while though, I was going to punch a man—rather, a boy, trying to act like a man because he couldn’t handle the fact that no one cares who he is or what he does or what he has to say about why he is better than you. Fist clenched but fingers relaxed, I was ready. Instead, I wrote a livid post that then disappeared.

Just like that my physical fury melted into rhetorical rage and dissipated into unreachable 1s and 0s without any emotion at all. Maybe it’s better that way. Maybe it would be better if it always happened that way.

This time, however, I’m writing in word; no more lower case “i”s for me—it does it for me (it doesn’t like semicolons and dashes and parentheses all in once sentence though). I guess all I’m trying to say is that if people want to fight the man, I wish they would just do it—rather than just settling for fighting those at hand, whom they think they can beat.

If they don’t owe you anything, then you cant say they aren’t good enough. Good enough for what? They don’t need to be good enough for you. I know that is difficult to stomach, but its true. You’re just going to have to stop berating people for not being you and not being what you want them to be and not wanting to be what you want to be. There, maybe the anger came back, just for a bit. Not all, or even a part, but a smell of its taste, or a feeling its sound.

1 comment:

AbB said...