Friday, December 16, 2005

fiscally fucked

Yup, that's me. I decided to pull the trigger on a 171 'Gun, and now I'm pretty solidly ass-broke--just in time for Christmas. I've run the tallies, and if I can make it till next thursday without buying any more food. Or any more anything, really, I will have just shy of 20 dollars to spend on christmas presents. Thus, some financial planning is in order. Here's what I'm thinking for gifts:

GIRLFRIEND -- Booty is a bull market, and demand is high. Irritatingly, no matter how much I buy, I am NEVER the seller, and rising prices are nothing but trouble. As such, an unwarrented portion of my gift-giving capitol will be absorbed by this veritable money pit of love. Fortunately, I have a few tricks:

1. One gift already purchased--on sale--paid for and recieved. CHA-CHING $$$ Cost=FREE!
2. Her Birthday was less than a month ago, which, though a contributing factor to my current economic strain, also lighten's my Christmasy burden, thus, it's like one of the presents I gave her for her BDay was really like an early Christmas present. CHA-CHING $$$ Cost=Free! logic here is right.....right?
3. Ok, so its gonna take more than I've already got. Fortunately, I've got something picked out. Brilliant. Price=$25 Not brilliant. About $20 - About $25 = About broke. except not about. Broke. More than broke, in fact.


Wait! My slack-ass roommante owes me money! Lots of it! Hundreds and Hundreds and hundreds! ....but he's broke too. With some arm-twisting, however, and yelling, I can get $50. More than broke + $50 = about $50(almost).

4. Um, I still need something else for the money-pit, but since I don't know what else to get, and have the emotional gift-giving sensibility of a doorknob, I'll just wait and pretend one materializes out of thin air. Moving on instead to...

MOTHER--why are women so expensive? I mean, seriously. It's outrageous. If I didn't have any women in my life I'd be rich. And lonely. But rich. And maybe I could be like Hugh Grant in about a boy--without the dates. Which would make me more like the kid in about a boy--before he meets the girl--in other words--when he is still a loser. Fuck. Ok, mom, here's what's in store:
1. Her birthday present that I already have but never gave her because i was too cheap to mail it. Cost=Free! CHA-CHING $$$
2. Book. I have to get her this book. I was gonna order it, but the online Amazzholes wouldn't have it ready to ship until bloody january. Now i have to pay more, and tax, at a store. Cost=$15 Money left = about $35
3. Kitschy local purchases for home-living. Comfort purchases that have no real value, but seem like good gifts. You know the kind. From little cute shops with bows on them. Edible delectibles and shit like that. Warm. Cost=$10. (What it's actually going to cost because I live in an overpriced urban center where kitschy warm things are, like booty, in high demand = $20) Money left = about $15
4. Every geek's dream gift--burned CD's. Cheap, easy, perfect. Lots of value, little cost. Cost=price of blank CD's. Already have blank CDs that I took from mother when last home. Cost=Free! CHA-CHING $$$

1. Book. Again, tried to get on Amazzhitty, but it wouldn't get here even close to in time. Cost=$10
2. Are you kidding? I see him like once a year. One gift is all he's getting. Not that he isn't a great guy--he is. He's just not as great as I am broke.

This one is a last minute suprise. He's not coming to the christmas get-to-gether, which, in my opinion, constitutes forfeiture of his gift. Apparently, however, it does not. Fortunately, he lives a zillion miles away, and I feel that I can reasonably get away with a gift getting to him late. Thus, pre-christmas cost=Free! CHA-CHING $$$ (until later...)

Money left = $5
- Tax, which I forgot to count = roughly 0.
+ spare change lying around the house = roughly $2.

So I'm supposed to get something for everyone's stocking. Like, extended family and stuff. 8 people total. Ridiculous. How much kitsch can I really wrestle up? I've got 2 bucks. GF suggested Dollar store. 8 people times 1 dollar a piece = 8 dollars. 2 bucks - 8 bucks = draft overcharge. but, if i can find a bag of stuff at the dollar store. A bag of candy, or baloons, or candles, yes candles! for 2 dollars, then i could give 1 to everyone! yes! yes! A 2 dollar bag of candles! or candy. Cost = $2

Money left = 0

Shopping left to do = NONE!

well, except that really, i need something else for the money pit. and, i could use something for the money pit's parent's. and i could get something for the roommate, but seeing as he owes me so much money, he can wait till i get my fucking money back before i get him a damn present. Oh, and I may need to eat. Or drive. Or drive to Sun Valley, so I can use the 'Gun. Fuck. How much for candles? Fuck. Flowers? 40? Fuck fuck fuck.

Welcome to me--not poor, per say. Certainly not homeless. Certainly not opressed. Basically middle-class, white, privilidged, comfortable, suburban, and yet royally, plentifully, thoroughly, fiscally fucked.

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